Excuse Me

But can we just assume that when we sneeze we'll be blessed?  In an office full of people you're bound to get at least five sneezes per day.  Saying "Bless You" for each one seems redundant, and it puts the sneezer in a position of thanking you for the blessing when they'd probably rather clean up without being bothered.   And it's all such a mental game.  Someone will sneeze and I'll wait for someone else to bless them.  I think everyone is waiting.  And then the longer I go the more I think the sneezer is thinking, "damn, what a bunch of heathens.  I was sure at least Jared would be kind enough to bless me."  I think about it so much that minutes later I throw a "Bless You" out there.  It may sound strange, like I'm talking to invisible angels.   Honestly, I really don't feel like I'm in any position to be blessing anybody.  Do I really have that kind of authority?  One moment I'm surfing Google Images for boobs and the next I'm blessing somebody?  And it's just awkward shattering the office silence with blessings.  So if you're reading this, please know that when you sneeze around me the blessing is automatic.  I'm silently exorcising your nasal demons.  You don't have to say thank you and I don't have to agonize over whether or not you think I'm a jerk because I haven't turned away from Googling boobs to offer my sincerest form of religious sentiment.

Yogurt Scandal?

What's the deal with yogurt pricing.  20 for $15!  7 for $3!  I won't buy it.  Nothing else in the world is priced like this.  Why yogurt?  I'd pay a dollar a spoonful just because it seems more honest. 

And now the Post-Award Show Awards

I’m no style guru.  My Crocs and socks could inspire fashion police brutality.  But I have to ask, “what was the deal with the dresses at the Academy Awards?”  Most of the actresses looked like they were tangled in drapery. Here are some of the awards that had to be cut because of the time it takes to walk onto a stage with a window treatment around your ankles.

The “Film That’s Most Like a Conversation with a Crazy Person” Award: Babel. 

At first Babel is new and very interesting but then you realize what had seemed like brilliance is just random bits of different stories that never amount to much.  Babel’s long-suffering theme is alienation.  It works. 

The “He’s Made Nearly Every Great Movie Ever so We’d Better Award Him Before He’s Part of the Death Montage” Award goes to:  Martin Scorsese.

The Departed is a very good movie but it is not this year’s Best Picture.  It moves along at a bloody, breakneck pace until suddenly it’s over and you’re wondering if maybe the scriptwriters got whacked too.

The “This Movie has Meryl Streep and That’s About It” Award goes to:  The Devil Wears Prada

Prada is not Oscar-worthy.  It’s a rental best saved for a snowy day.  Although Streep could show up in a home video and it might get nominated. 

The “It’s About Time Someone Wins who Resembles a Real Human” Award goes to:  Forrest Whittaker.

Forest Whittaker is probably best known as, "you know that guy, the one with the funny eye?"   Now we know him as Mr. Whittaker, Academy Award Winner. In the Last King of Scotland he plays the charming 1970's Ugandan leader, Idi Amin.  It couldn’t have been easy.  One moment Amin is like everybody’s favorite Uncle, all warm and friendly; the next he’s like your crazy Aunt without her meds, but instead of a rolling pin she has a nation’s army. 

The “Little Girl who Must be in a Home for the Mentally Unstable” Award goes to:  Ivana Baquero

Baquero plays Ofelia in Pan’s Labyrinth.  I have no idea how you get an eight-year-old to understand and react to the horrors of a civil war, but it can’t be healthy.  Baquero displays at once girlish charm and wisdom way, way beyond her years. 

The “Hey, Bubba, Look at Me Now” Award goes to:  Al Gore

An Inconvenient Truth deserves merit for making volumes of science and, even more amazingly, Al Gore, interesting, but I think the Academy missed one of the best docs of the year.  It’s called Heart of the Game and could be considered Hoop Dreams for girls.  And it made me cry happy tears. 

The “Real Best Picture Award” Award goes to:  Little Miss Sunshine

Which is more harrowing, chasing the mafia or surviving the typical family road trip?  Give me a gun and a flak jacket and I might get back into a car with my brother.  But like a road trip, be patient, Little Miss Sunshine gets you to its destination in grand style.

No pop-ups, no intrusions.  It really is YOUR space.  www.viewmylife.com.

Valentine's Day Movie Ideas

Disclaimer:  The following was written by a guy and guys aren't the best at judging good romantic comedies.  Please help...

It’s true, while Valentine’s Day is endlessly marketed as a day to lavish women with jewels and flowers and food, the male half of the species seems to be getting the shaft. Some women have suggested V-Day is retribution for four months of football.  While still others, from both genders, consider February 14th a cruel tradition better known to them as Single’s Awareness Day.

Regardless of it’s history, and whether Valentine’s Day is indeed a just tradition or not, the crux of the matter is that if you’re a guy in a relationship it can be a very difficult to plan the perfect day.  Here are some movies to help ease the burden.

Music and Lyrics
$$$

Opens Nationwide Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Hugh Grant is quirky and has an English accent.  Drew Barrymore is cute.  Is there anything else necessary for a successful romantic comedy?  Nope.  Music and Lyrics has it’s funny moments and it’s much, much better than two other recent RomComs, Catch and Release and Because I Told You So.  Is it worth the trip to the theater?  Yes, but only if you throw in a decent dinner and some shopping.  (Remember; everything looks good on her no matter what.)

Beware:  The familiar romantic comedy formula will have you thinking you just drove across town to see a movie you’ve already seen.

Who Will Like This:  Much more than men the ladies will favor this flick. Mostly because of Hugh’s accent.  I wish I had an accent.  Hugh Grant mumbles a couple of things and women fawn.  Do Coloradoans even have an accent?  If we were to go to England would we be superstars?  

Secret To Better Enjoyment:  The cool soundtrack.

Overall I’d recommend waiting for Music and Lyrics to come out on DVD.  Here are some other DVD V-Day crowd pleasers.  

Trust the Man
$$$

Billy Crudup, David Duchovny, Julianne Moore and Maggie Gyllenhal actually manage what I thought was nearly impossible; incorporate a classic guy buddy movie into a chick flick romantic comedy.   This movie died in American theaters but did very well in Europe.  Why?  I don’t know.

Love Actually
$$$$$

Another Hugh Grant movie but this one is packed with cute people with English accents.  I’d say Love Actually could be the second best romantic comedy ever.  Here’s the best…

When Harry Met Sally
$$$$$

An all-time favorite that made men everywhere suspect their wives were better actresses than they’d ever admit.   

Sleepless in Seattle
$$$$

I really don’t remember this movie that well but my wife told me to put it on the list.
Now if she’d tell which restaurant she prefers she’ll be so surprised that I planned the perfect date.

$$$$$ = Put this on your shelf and people will think you are cool.
$$$$   = Buy it.  You’ll want to see it more than once. 
$$$     = Rent it.  Once is plenty. 
$$       = Rent with caution.  You can never get the two hours back.
$         = Great for drink coaster or trap shooting.
 

Autism, ADD Team up for Huge Night

So I was killing time on the Internet when I ran across this article about the rising numbers of babies born within the ever-expanding spectrum of Autism.   Some people say it's environmental; populations near certain factories have experienced a spike in autistic children; some say it's diet, some say it's the MMR vaccination and still other's insinuate that some mild 'cases' are conjured by hysterical parents.  But I got this notion that maybe it's part of evolution, that autism--sometimes producing functional adults who can memorize Pi to the 14,000th digit and write a book about it--is the mutation that will lead to a more advanced human (if you read 'mutant' as a negative term than you watch to much TV.)  I know this is weird and totally not a speculation typically found in a space called a "Playhouse," but I got giddy about my postulation and did some Googling (Not the apex of academic research but I bet even Stephen Hawking vanity Googles.)  I get to Kottke.org and find this video.  Beware, the first three minutes will test your tolerance and alarm the neighbors, but the annoying beginning is necessary to prove a point...the rest of us might be the "idiots".  

Cool Song

So Dan sent me the link to what is now known as the "Cadillac" song.  It's in their commercials.

Now I have this song firmly ensconced in my head.  But it’s better than what was previously haunting me, “Achy Breaky Heart”.  I kid you not.  And even more terrifying was hearing my wife--sensible, graceful Sarah--getting ready for work humming a song that managed to further dumb down country music.  Briefly I envisioned her with a mullet.  But that's just the beginning of the dangers of Billy Ray Cyrus haunting your consciousness.  Imagine, if you will, dying before you exorcise yourself of the Achy Breaky Earworm.  That song will be part of your legacy.  The local news will interview your neighbors and co-workers and they'll say vague and gentle things like, "he was a nice guy...seemed to like Billy Ray Cyrus a lot."  So I highly encourage you to go listen to Iggy Pop (above link) and prepare yourself to be remembered well. 

Lamest Superbowl Ever?

I've seen the Denver Broncos lose four Superbowls by a total of 163-50 but this game between the Indianapolis Pouty Paytons and the Chicago Very Grossmens piddled 0ut of the TV with all of the intensity of intramural bocce ball. What went wrong?

1. Technical difficulties. When I deejay a Bar Mitzvah I spend more time checking mics than CBS did before the biggest sporting event of the year. It's not like Brian Urlacher is going to alter the future with his pregame interview but it's the big game and only lip readers and clairvoyants will ever know what he said.

2. Phil Simms. He sounds like someone borderline developmentally disabled. He'd be that guy you'd have to carefully ask a mutual friend if "he's, like, you know, touched?" My brother actually uttered these words, "I miss John Madden."

3. Conservative football. No one wants to make a mistake so they unleash the firepower of a squirt bottle. The swing pass should be banned.

4. Tackling. No one wraps up anymore. The Bears defense should donate their arms to the needy.

5. Fumble drills. They are popular with old, bitter high school coaches and they should be mandatory in the NFL. Just jump on the loose ball. Don't try to run with it, lateral it or spike it until you maintain complete control of the fumbled ball.

6. The ads. Lame. I liked the Bud Light auctioneer. The FedEx/Kinkos 'mimic' spot and 'moon office' spots were good. Chevrolet really bit it.  But kudos to the indie guys making the Dorito spots.   That's a great way to save money on an ad firm.  Maybe CBS should hire some of those same amateurs to enhance their broadcast, and the Bears their offense.