And now the Post-Award Show Awards

I’m no style guru.  My Crocs and socks could inspire fashion police brutality.  But I have to ask, “what was the deal with the dresses at the Academy Awards?”  Most of the actresses looked like they were tangled in drapery. Here are some of the awards that had to be cut because of the time it takes to walk onto a stage with a window treatment around your ankles.

The “Film That’s Most Like a Conversation with a Crazy Person” Award: Babel. 

At first Babel is new and very interesting but then you realize what had seemed like brilliance is just random bits of different stories that never amount to much.  Babel’s long-suffering theme is alienation.  It works. 

The “He’s Made Nearly Every Great Movie Ever so We’d Better Award Him Before He’s Part of the Death Montage” Award goes to:  Martin Scorsese.

The Departed is a very good movie but it is not this year’s Best Picture.  It moves along at a bloody, breakneck pace until suddenly it’s over and you’re wondering if maybe the scriptwriters got whacked too.

The “This Movie has Meryl Streep and That’s About It” Award goes to:  The Devil Wears Prada

Prada is not Oscar-worthy.  It’s a rental best saved for a snowy day.  Although Streep could show up in a home video and it might get nominated. 

The “It’s About Time Someone Wins who Resembles a Real Human” Award goes to:  Forrest Whittaker.

Forest Whittaker is probably best known as, "you know that guy, the one with the funny eye?"   Now we know him as Mr. Whittaker, Academy Award Winner. In the Last King of Scotland he plays the charming 1970's Ugandan leader, Idi Amin.  It couldn’t have been easy.  One moment Amin is like everybody’s favorite Uncle, all warm and friendly; the next he’s like your crazy Aunt without her meds, but instead of a rolling pin she has a nation’s army. 

The “Little Girl who Must be in a Home for the Mentally Unstable” Award goes to:  Ivana Baquero

Baquero plays Ofelia in Pan’s Labyrinth.  I have no idea how you get an eight-year-old to understand and react to the horrors of a civil war, but it can’t be healthy.  Baquero displays at once girlish charm and wisdom way, way beyond her years. 

The “Hey, Bubba, Look at Me Now” Award goes to:  Al Gore

An Inconvenient Truth deserves merit for making volumes of science and, even more amazingly, Al Gore, interesting, but I think the Academy missed one of the best docs of the year.  It’s called Heart of the Game and could be considered Hoop Dreams for girls.  And it made me cry happy tears. 

The “Real Best Picture Award” Award goes to:  Little Miss Sunshine

Which is more harrowing, chasing the mafia or surviving the typical family road trip?  Give me a gun and a flak jacket and I might get back into a car with my brother.  But like a road trip, be patient, Little Miss Sunshine gets you to its destination in grand style.

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Valentine's Day Movie Ideas

Disclaimer:  The following was written by a guy and guys aren't the best at judging good romantic comedies.  Please help...

It’s true, while Valentine’s Day is endlessly marketed as a day to lavish women with jewels and flowers and food, the male half of the species seems to be getting the shaft. Some women have suggested V-Day is retribution for four months of football.  While still others, from both genders, consider February 14th a cruel tradition better known to them as Single’s Awareness Day.

Regardless of it’s history, and whether Valentine’s Day is indeed a just tradition or not, the crux of the matter is that if you’re a guy in a relationship it can be a very difficult to plan the perfect day.  Here are some movies to help ease the burden.

Music and Lyrics
$$$

Opens Nationwide Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Hugh Grant is quirky and has an English accent.  Drew Barrymore is cute.  Is there anything else necessary for a successful romantic comedy?  Nope.  Music and Lyrics has it’s funny moments and it’s much, much better than two other recent RomComs, Catch and Release and Because I Told You So.  Is it worth the trip to the theater?  Yes, but only if you throw in a decent dinner and some shopping.  (Remember; everything looks good on her no matter what.)

Beware:  The familiar romantic comedy formula will have you thinking you just drove across town to see a movie you’ve already seen.

Who Will Like This:  Much more than men the ladies will favor this flick. Mostly because of Hugh’s accent.  I wish I had an accent.  Hugh Grant mumbles a couple of things and women fawn.  Do Coloradoans even have an accent?  If we were to go to England would we be superstars?  

Secret To Better Enjoyment:  The cool soundtrack.

Overall I’d recommend waiting for Music and Lyrics to come out on DVD.  Here are some other DVD V-Day crowd pleasers.  

Trust the Man
$$$

Billy Crudup, David Duchovny, Julianne Moore and Maggie Gyllenhal actually manage what I thought was nearly impossible; incorporate a classic guy buddy movie into a chick flick romantic comedy.   This movie died in American theaters but did very well in Europe.  Why?  I don’t know.

Love Actually
$$$$$

Another Hugh Grant movie but this one is packed with cute people with English accents.  I’d say Love Actually could be the second best romantic comedy ever.  Here’s the best…

When Harry Met Sally
$$$$$

An all-time favorite that made men everywhere suspect their wives were better actresses than they’d ever admit.   

Sleepless in Seattle
$$$$

I really don’t remember this movie that well but my wife told me to put it on the list.
Now if she’d tell which restaurant she prefers she’ll be so surprised that I planned the perfect date.

$$$$$ = Put this on your shelf and people will think you are cool.
$$$$   = Buy it.  You’ll want to see it more than once. 
$$$     = Rent it.  Once is plenty. 
$$       = Rent with caution.  You can never get the two hours back.
$         = Great for drink coaster or trap shooting.
 

Academy Awards

Jon Stewart, the man who has single-handedly repaired the damage wrought upon Canada by Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion and Paul Schaeffer, began the evening... 

"Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in films, with me, the fourth male lead in 'Death to Smoochy,"'

This is normally recognized as a major television event.   I'm not sure why then the Roosevelt High School Audio/Visual club got to do the technical production. 

Could someone please destroy the teleprompter.  Or at least make the font bigger or scroll slower or something so the actors can read it.  And maybe--albeit sadly--we must recognize that age also afflicts the really beautiful.   Or maybe Lauren Bacall, like most, could not read the tele-pogo.

 Ewy's First Ever Winner of the "This Hip Hop is Really Popular We Must Find Some Way to Incorporate It" Award goes to "It's Hard Out Here to be a Pimp."   This song is also the Grammy winner of the "Stretch-a-Rhyme" award for forcing 'rent' and 'pimp' on each other.   (But honestly, think of actual 'pimp' rhymes.  They're all negative like limp, shrimp, skimp.  So this is really all they could do.)

And let's hear it for George Clooney.  While "Syriana" will make you want to off yourself for being an accomplice in global tyranny, I'd rather pop a cap in my bean  to end world suffering than because there are no more heroes.   And look who has regrets. 

Hillary Swank wins the "Tall Hotness" award.  You've gotta know that Ralph Macchio is pissed that The Next Karate Kid gets all this attention. 

It's about flippin' time that Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins something for all of his great work!!!!!!! 

Someone should let Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger know that we know they're not really gay so then maybe they'll buy a razor and end the desperate attempts at macho heterosexuality. 

Winner of the "Best Name" award.  Wally Pfister.   

Reese is cute and very talented.  And her speech is second only to Robert Altman's.   But the "Closest to Centenarian but Still Beautiful" Award goes to Dame Judi Dench. 

"Greatest Irony" Award of the night goes to Wyoming.  Their tourism ad featuring the little boy playing cowboy might have tried to overcome some of the Brokeback Effect.  (Most of the real pretty shots were in Canada.)

"Busy Backstage doing Smack" Award goes to Uma Thurman.  She looked like that scary girl from Blade Runner.

The "We Can Read Your Lips Tom Hanks" Award goes to Tom Hanks for clearly mouthing the "F" on his way to announcing Ang Lee as the best director.   I never thought I'd see Tom Hanks angry.  It was disconcerting, like being attacked by a golden retreiver.  You'd never expect it.

 OK, Crash is a great winner.   Just like the one producer said it was a great movie for a "maverick year".  At least that's what she said BEFORE THEY CUT OFF ANOTHER DECENT SPEECH BEFORE IT WAS THIRTY SECONDS INTO IT!  Shouldn't the Best Picture award recipients at least get some extra time?  NO.  They just blared the horns and panned out of the room and into MORE SPOTS!  Bastards.  This is clearly a kneejerk reaction to ramblers of previous years. 

The  "Best Performance by What is Usually an Awkward Moment Featuring an International Superstar Who Apparently Can't Read" Award goes to Lilly Tomlin and Meryl Streep for their great intro piece for Robert Altman.  Tomlin nailed one of the best lines of night saying that while watching an Altman film you'd wonder you were eating popcorn or peyote buttons. 

And thank the Sweet Baby for Jon Stewart.  He was awesome.  As quoted from The Washington Post:

In a pointed barb at another of his favorite usual targets, the news media, Stewart saluted both "Good Night, and Good Luck" and "Capote" as important films about journalism's "relentless pursuit of the truth," adding, "Needless to say, both are period pieces."

Update on Wednesday, March 8, 2006 at 07:25AM by ewy

How did Crash crash the Brokeback Bash?

Here are some statistics and other important sounding reasons.