Valentine's Day already in the bag...

although it was my wife who sent me this:

http://www.sendamessage.nl/introduction/ 

More from Rick the TMI Guy

You know your life is a little scattered when you find yourself eating a cheap bag of meat in the back of a grocery store.  It was about 11pm and I made the mistake of going to the store hungry.  I mean I really lost it.  I snarfed a packet of corned beef, one of smoked ham and another of turkey.  The leery cashier rang up the greasy remains.   Then I left without getting what I went for, dog food, and then had to stop at another store where I found some cookies called "Chocolate Chewies".  If angels poop then I think this is it.  Amazing.  So this morning Paco is waiting for me to go get him some food and I'm trying to gather myself in my brother-in-law's kitchen. 

I'm thrilled to announce that for my refugee family I did remember the baby-booger-sucker, the extra socks and even the breast pads.  Although at work today Sarah will find that I got her an odd number of them.

It's been crazy.  The house is nearly finished, but to get to this point I had to practically sell my soul (seriously, I'm not kidding...this story can be heard in our podcast) to the contractor/devil. 

All kinds of workers mill through our home.  Looking at some of the guys it's like we hung a "topless girls" sign on our window.  However, their leader, Rick the TMI Guy, says he has it under control.

Last night he caught me as I was about to wrap up my errands.   First, he needed to tell me about his sore back.  He's been sleeping on the floor.  The news, however, is good in that one of the work release guys was let out of the can, so he can move up to an actual bed.  Rick also shared with me the story of spending a year in prison as well as breaking a guy's hand with a baseball bat.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Then he asked for the key to our house.  Suddenly I was Bob Newhart stuttering his question back to him.  It does make sense that he has them since he's working on the place whether we're there or not.  And I figured that at least he's honest. 

It was my third attempt crawl out of Rick's truth tunnel when he said he had to go, too, because he needed a pay phone.  He needed a landline to report to his PO.   I told him to use ours.   He didn't want to risk messing up the floor's finish.  Then I said I could ask my neighbors. 

He told me 'no' because he didn't want anybody knowing too much about him.

In Bruges $$$$$

This movie had me with Colin Farrell's line, "If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't." From there Farrell gets more entertaining and this film just gets better. Although, Bruges, Belgium did impress me, so it could be that I'm very easy to please.

I feel bad for writer/director Martin McDonagh. What's a guy to do when his first major movie is darn near perfect? Now I want to say he has it in him to do another just as brilliant, but I'd only say that the way a commencement speaker tells a group of troubled slackers that they can be anything they want. I don't entirely believe it's possible. With In Bruges, McDonagh tells a story so well that even when it's most morbid, or most gratuitous, you trust that it's for a reason. You know how fanatics of a certain person or entity, say, The Backstreet Boys, always give them the benefit of the doubt? "They lip sync and rape kittens," might say a BSB detractor." The die hard will reply, "It's all part of their magic." In one movie McDonagh earned that kind of trust from me.

Working with Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson might have been intimidating for McDonagh. The biggest thing he's done is an Oscar-winning short called Six Shooter. But McDonagh matches the acting talent with a story so surprisingly tight that you'll recall the days when Tarantino made everyone an overnight fan/expert of scriptwriting. And it's such simple fare; Farrell and Gleeson are hiding out in Bruges, Belgium while a botched hit blows over. Some people might get a little bored while the two characters tour the Medieval city bashing Americans and Belgians alike, but this baby simmers to a finish wrapped so tight that you'll want to sit there for a minute to see if you missed anything.

Beware: I saw some people get up and leave. It could have been the offensive comedy, or maybe the story brewed to slowly, or they grew up on a farm and are retarded.

Who Will Like This: People slightly less needy than Pulp Fiction fans.

Secret to Better Enjoyment: When did Farrell become so damn funny? And I have to hand it to the Irish/English for making the 'c' word so versatile. In Bruges, anybody can be a 'c' word.

Over Her Dead Body

It says something if a movie can tackle every romantic comedy cliche ever and still be entertaining. And would somebody cut Jason Biggs a Jim Carrey-size check for big time movie?

Meet Rick, the TMI Guy

I don't why, but people who have the most you don't want to hear are the most prone to sharing it.  We used to have these neighbors.  They were the worst people in the world.   Seriously.  The mom was so afraid of her children that she hoarded all the food she could and locked herself in her room.  The kids, ages 15 and 17, came over to tell me they were stoned and hungry and they were going to break in and steal in some pizzas.  I don't know why they told me that, but the whole family was like a gang of Burl Ives gone wrong.  The mother's stories were the worst.  She explained to me that her daughter, a real charmer known as "Toxic", no longer went to school because she'd been abused by the police.  I don't know how that all connects, but I didn't care.  "That's awful," I said, turning away to very obviously suggest I didn't want to hear any more.  Then the mother, apparently feeling that I wasn't sufficiently disturbed, explained to me that the boys at school would have sex with her even when it wasn't the hygienically responsible thing to do.  Please, just burn my inner ears with hot pokers.  Or drive me to the country and shoot me, but please don't share any more. 

We eventually built the highest privacy fence possible.  We literally pounded in pickets right in our neighbor's face.  The jabbering mother would step six inches over and talk through the next opening.   We weren't even getting the nails all the way in.  Some were bent over and some were pounded through to nothing but air. We didn't care.  Once we had the whole thing put up she shouted that we should come over some time. 

I did once, and I can't wait to share with you the most horrific evening of my life.  To tease you let me just offer you one phrase, "Toxic...Toxic!  Get him out of you and help your brother!"  

Sorry.  That was too much information.  But not near as much as Rick, The TMI Guy.

Now Rick is a nice guy.  He's been working on our house.  He's also the father of five children from three different women.  At night he has to go to jail because he has trouble paying for a couple of those kids.  

I didn't need to know any of this.  But Rick told me.  He loves sharing.  He just told me this morning that his current wife might be pregnant.   I offered a congratulations that sounded more like a question and then headed for the basement.  That is where I work.  Rick followed to tell me that she was supposed to get a 'depo' shot but was too lazy.  

Thanks Rick.  That's good.  

No, Rick had more.  Rick, who is not anyone I want to imagine naked or even shoeless, told me that, "latex isn't for him."

Then I said, in almost a shriek, "Sand the bumps in the floor!"   

Inhaling his gut up to his chest, he put his thumbs in his belt and let out a sigh.  You could tell this was time necessary to dig up more crap I didn't want to hear. 

And then he went on to tell me that all the framing we had done was bad and he'd do what he could despite the age of the house and all the unseemly structural issues that come with antiquated wood.  I scurried from room to room hoping to evade all his brutal honesty about our year-long, bazillion dollar renovation.  

Some other guys came over and I scraped him onto someone else, but he still hasn't stopped.  He's upstairs now and I can still hear him talking to one of his workers about the shoddy construction.   

OK, Rick, you win.  Why isn't latex for you? 

...tune in every week for more....Rick, The TMI Guy! 

Another Q Tip for you

How to make a good pillow.

First, find an old t-shirt, preferably one that smells like wet barley and fast food hamburgers.  

Then fill it with beer, bosoms and hair. 

Crash. 

Finally...a movie for the entire family

TEETH – Roadside Attractions – Opens in Denver at the Starz FilmCenter on Friday, January 25 – Rated R – 93 Min.
 
High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.