Meet Rick, the TMI Guy

I don't why, but people who have the most you don't want to hear are the most prone to sharing it.  We used to have these neighbors.  They were the worst people in the world.   Seriously.  The mom was so afraid of her children that she hoarded all the food she could and locked herself in her room.  The kids, ages 15 and 17, came over to tell me they were stoned and hungry and they were going to break in and steal in some pizzas.  I don't know why they told me that, but the whole family was like a gang of Burl Ives gone wrong.  The mother's stories were the worst.  She explained to me that her daughter, a real charmer known as "Toxic", no longer went to school because she'd been abused by the police.  I don't know how that all connects, but I didn't care.  "That's awful," I said, turning away to very obviously suggest I didn't want to hear any more.  Then the mother, apparently feeling that I wasn't sufficiently disturbed, explained to me that the boys at school would have sex with her even when it wasn't the hygienically responsible thing to do.  Please, just burn my inner ears with hot pokers.  Or drive me to the country and shoot me, but please don't share any more. 

We eventually built the highest privacy fence possible.  We literally pounded in pickets right in our neighbor's face.  The jabbering mother would step six inches over and talk through the next opening.   We weren't even getting the nails all the way in.  Some were bent over and some were pounded through to nothing but air. We didn't care.  Once we had the whole thing put up she shouted that we should come over some time. 

I did once, and I can't wait to share with you the most horrific evening of my life.  To tease you let me just offer you one phrase, "Toxic...Toxic!  Get him out of you and help your brother!"  

Sorry.  That was too much information.  But not near as much as Rick, The TMI Guy.

Now Rick is a nice guy.  He's been working on our house.  He's also the father of five children from three different women.  At night he has to go to jail because he has trouble paying for a couple of those kids.  

I didn't need to know any of this.  But Rick told me.  He loves sharing.  He just told me this morning that his current wife might be pregnant.   I offered a congratulations that sounded more like a question and then headed for the basement.  That is where I work.  Rick followed to tell me that she was supposed to get a 'depo' shot but was too lazy.  

Thanks Rick.  That's good.  

No, Rick had more.  Rick, who is not anyone I want to imagine naked or even shoeless, told me that, "latex isn't for him."

Then I said, in almost a shriek, "Sand the bumps in the floor!"   

Inhaling his gut up to his chest, he put his thumbs in his belt and let out a sigh.  You could tell this was time necessary to dig up more crap I didn't want to hear. 

And then he went on to tell me that all the framing we had done was bad and he'd do what he could despite the age of the house and all the unseemly structural issues that come with antiquated wood.  I scurried from room to room hoping to evade all his brutal honesty about our year-long, bazillion dollar renovation.  

Some other guys came over and I scraped him onto someone else, but he still hasn't stopped.  He's upstairs now and I can still hear him talking to one of his workers about the shoddy construction.   

OK, Rick, you win.  Why isn't latex for you? 

...tune in every week for more....Rick, The TMI Guy! 

Comments

[VFE]

do you want me to explain what the depo shot is? mom worked at planned parenthood, you know. i know all sorts of interesting stuff about women who dont know squat about birth control, so shouldnt breed; and their good, responsible peers who use birth control correctly, and are smart enough that they would be a better mother, but dont breed. In Stevens Point, WI, most of the kids didn't even know what a "Condominium" is, much less where to put it. So mom got to go to schools and explain them.

[:>)]

to quote the Geico caveman..."duh, what?"