They are, after all, here to replace us
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 at 01:38PM I sat down with Quin the other night and told him, "You're a great guy, and I love you, but you're making me want to check myself into prison."
We were told by many parents that the 'Terrible Twos" thing was overrated. It was three that was lurking to destroy us.
About 90 percent of the day Quin is a very good kid. It's that other ten percent where you're wondering what's so wrong about kennel training. Just a little cage where they can be safe, yet wrapped in soundproofing and somewhere under the house. People say he's "pushing boundaries." If he needs more room the Alaskan Wilderness is very big.
I try to ignore most of the outbursts, but our reaction ranges from wanting to toss the child out the window, to laughing. It's hard not to burst into giggles when this little human you've let into your home insists that he doesn't need help, and then loses his mind when you don't help him. Or maybe it's vice versa. I don't know, it's so insane that if an animal acted that way you'd have it put down.
Tonight Quin refused to eat, and then threw and broke a dinner plate. I grabbed he and his chair and set him at the end of a dark hall. Sarah was certain I was going to shotput the whole package. And, to be honest, I wasn't quiet conscious until I found myself with nowhere to go holding a child on a dining room chair.
I'm not experienced enough to be doling out advice, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't kill a child. Aside from that, I have two rules I try to stick to: say as little as possible and don't give them options. I'm always breaking my own rules and kicking myself as each self-inflicted infraction spirals the tantrum into something from Silence of the Lambs.
Limiting the verbiage is huge. When Q loses his nut, I just walk away and avoid him. Or I try, but often I get this inkling that it could be a learning moment, and that talking over the screams of a little person wearing nothing but Spiderman shoes is going to make an impression. It never does, and I always lose.
Choices. Screw them. Kids should not have them. Don't ask them what they want for lunch or what they want to wear or if they'd like to breathe. They love an opportunity to say "NO" and shove that parental authority up the chimney. But, of course, I get giddy thinking that I'm giving my child a chance to exercise his cognition. He does--not to make an educated decision about PBJ over roast beef, but to become one of the seven princes of Hell.
What really scares me is that right now he doesn't know how to storm out of the house and steal the car. I mean sometimes I feel so helpless that I want to fake a heart attack. What happens when they're big and pulling the same tricks? No, really, what happens?
And one other question: Is a Toddler Taser a bad idea?
Growing up I wasn't the bad kid, at least as far as my parents knew. My brother paved the road to poor decisions and back. I learned from his mistakes and found how to conduct most of my badness without inconveniencing the family with knowledge of it. Over Quin's yelling I've been able to shout at Otto, "Learn from this buddy and your life will be a breeze." I haven't made any mention about running carefree through school before starving on a meager diet of charm and deception on the cold climb up the insurmountable mountain of opportunity. But, you know, fewer words.
The thing is that after smashing an heirloom and igniting their father, both the boys bounce back pretty well. Although it's hard to take their hugs and "I love you daddies" seriously when it's clear they're preying on your weakness. Tonight, after his mother coaxed him from his dark exile, Quin came out to the kitchen and apologized. That's when you can't help but hug the bejesus out of them...while trying to squeeze in some important tips on saving everybody's sanity. "Quin, you know that eating two more bites is a lot easier and faster than twenty minutes of screaming?"
Of course he does. That's why he does it.
Reader Comments (4)
It's worse when grandparents appear, since they are so willing to say "Oh, leave the poor child alone! He/she will eat when they are hungry!" Bullsh!t! They never get hungry! Especially when a certain someone shows up with bags of candy just before mealtime!