It’s week two without my cellular

I cancelled it because I thought I was wasting too much time talking on the phone. Now I spend a lot of time caressing myself.

The other day I was in a hurry to meet my wife. I was thinking I needed to get a hold of her to tell her I would be late, when I suddenly found myself stopped in busy pedestrian traffic, alternately patting my buttocks and pawing my thighs. That’s what I do now. Whenever I’m tardy, I madly grope my pants. Sometimes I even run my hands across my chest. It might help to reduce stress.

I’ve got to have a cell phone somewhere, my brain says to my body. But I don’t. I only have concerned mothers pulling their children closer as they pass the lonely man intensely frisking his nethers.

I’ve also experienced phantom vibrations. I think I feel a call coming in, excuse myself from a conversation, and end up in front of bewildered onlookers wondering what I’ll eventually find in my pocket.

How did we even live in 1995? Were there pay phones in the bread aisle? Before ditching my mobile, I never needed a list. I’d leave our house for the store only to call my wife and ask what we needed. Now I have to find someone who looks somewhat healthy and take inconspicuous glances at their grocery cart. I typically don’t have to be too coy as often they’re busy on the phone.

This means I’m going to have start planning. There’s the shopping lists, and I never realized how accustomed I’d become to running late. But it didn’t matter as long as I gave the waiting party a quick call. And that’s what people always say, “I’m not mad you’re late, I just wish you would have called.” The silver lining here is that I’ve been surprising a lot of old friends with quick stops to use their phone. Sometimes they say, “Come by anytime, just make sure to call.” So I’ll have to create a network of people who I can call to say I’ll be by to use their phone to call the people waiting for me to call.

So going cell-less won’t be too awful, as long as when you see some guy tugging at his jeans in the street, you let him in to use your phone.