Nobody Never Gave Us a Chance

The Florida Gator wide receiver was so elated I didn't mind that he was an idiot.  The reporter did his duty and asked the usual post game questions but the young athlete missed the conversation part of the interview howling shout-outs to everyone he ever knew.  The interviewer wasn't sure what to do with the loud black man and so nasaled out some conciliatory phrases like "Ok, that's good, very good" and "Yes, OK, you've said 'hello' to all of the Panhandle, very good."  I kind of liked the unruly shout-out guy.  It was a lot more fun than the always predictable post game dialogue:  Thank Jesus, remind us that you "just went out there and played your game," give a shout-out to God, wrap it up with something about no one respecting you but now the world will have to reckon with the 4-12 Dolphins.  I mean, really, is there a mandatory format for these speeches?  Does it just come down to a limited number of word combinations?  To save money are the networks just replaying the same interview over and over?  Maybe the football player knows he's speaking to the like-minded football fan and has to keep it simple.  But how narrow do you have to be to think that the Lord has dropped everything to make sure the Nuggets beat the Bobcats in double overtime?  Of course that would explain a lot of the death and destruction in the world.  If there seems to be more tumult than ever before it's because there are more sports teams.  Denver has added two Lacrosse teams in the past few years and Jesus has more to do.   We got nailed with blizzards because the Broncos were pretty sorry and that just might have made someone very special feel like he died in vain.  If Jesus really is that big of a sports fan there's a village in Bangladesh that had better field a competitive cricket league.  Baghdad might want to get a foosball tourney going.  Or who knows what might happen while the King of Kings is enamored by an instant replay review.   Of course this could explain why America is so cutting edge and flush with food and I-Pods.  We're crazy about Shaq and hottie tennis chicks.   We spend more time analyzing a bad snap than we do our foreign policy.  Michael Jordan and John Elway are more recognized than our elected officials.  College football trumps the evening news.   I guess all I'm left to do is thank Jesus for that.

Quite Possibly the Dumbest Email I've Ever Received

Arthur Carlson <cjr15@ecentral.com> wrote:  
Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 19:38:47 -0700
From: Arthur Carlson <cjr15@ecentral.com>
Subject: WEATHER BULLETIN Up here, in the "Mile-Hi City"

WEATHER BULLETIN Up here, in the "Mile-Hi City", we just recovered from
an Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical
Proportions" ---  with an historic blizzard of up to 50" inches of snow and winds to 90
MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded
hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated
scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.

And now we have braced and are involved with #3 in less than 3 weeks!

FYI:

George Bush did not come.

FEMA did nothing.

No one howled for the government.

No one blamed the government.

No one even uttered an expletive on TV.

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.

Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.

Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either.

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5
snowstorm. Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.

No one looted.

Nobody - I mean Nobody - demanded the government do something.

Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.

No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No
Geraldo Rivera.

No Shaun Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found.

Nope, we just melted the snow for water.

Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.

The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a
penny.

Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments
delivered it to the snowbound families.

Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.

We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.

We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".

We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of
a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades
votes for 'sittin at home' checks.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this
early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

"In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48
degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."

It does seem that way, at least to me.

I hope this gets passed on.

Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does Not owe you a living.

1 to 2 has turned to 6-8.

It sounds like every man's dream but it is not.  Unless a man's dream is to hole himself in his house and eat his loved ones.  After 33 inches last week this morning we woke up to another half a foot.  The weather "forecast" had said one to two inches.   And it's not like them not to report to the furthest extreme.  If there's even a slight chance that a passing satellite will shed some moon debris they'll balloon the probability to "Your kids will get maimed by lunar droppings!  More after the exciting finale of Biggest Loser..."

The most depressing part of all this snow is that it's only the third week of winter.  Already we're driving on glaciers formed from the last blizzard.  Now add this six inches to the pedestrian refugees from the buried sidewalks and traffic is at a standstill.  I just dropped Sarah off at the train and for the first time ever while driving said "I wish she'd walk a little faster."  And Sarah noted it wasn't the lady walking just ahead of us but a guy a few people up who was trying to walk and talk on his cell phone.  I should have had people sit on my hood so our somber parade might at least have a king and queen. 

That's all the complaining I'll do.  I'm happy to see the moisture.  New York state is having its driest winter ever and not but six months ago we were worried the drought would never end.   A drop of rain and suddenly we're all farmers.  "We need the moisture," we'd say.  Somebody would spit on you.  "No problem, I need the moisture."  No matter how bad the precipitation-related tragedy..."You'd think that many children on a bus would have slowed the flood waters.   But we need the moisture."    Now we're moist enough thank you.  If you need some moisture you're welcome to come and get some. 

Greatest Game Ever?

I like my wife's take on this.  

It's been a long time since I've felt that good watching a Bronco game.  Previously known for potatoes and white supremacists, Idaho, at least in my mind,  will always be the state with the football team with balls the size of modular homes.  Supermarkets, small countries.  I don't know.  Think of something very large for a human testicle and that's what you've got on the Division 1A Boise State Broncos. 

Now for you football geeks:  with #3 Michigan losing badly to USC, if Florida somehow beats the only other unbeaten team aside from the Broncos, Ohio State, then I'd say Boise State should get at least a share of the title.   I love ugly BCS controversies.   One day they'll make it a playoff system and we'll get a real National Champion.  Can a computer measure desire?  Does a PC know what it is to run wind sprints until you puke?  Has a Mac ever slipped a roofie in a cheerleader's drink?  NO!  Only football players know what it takes to score.   A hard drive doesn't know diddle about winning drive and until they let the teams play it out on the gridiron then there never will  be true football justice.   In the meantime I'm just kind of happy Boise State really doesn't have to play the Buckeyes. 

Update on Tuesday, January 2, 2007 at 07:12PM by ewy

Why you shouldn't call me during Bowl Week -- or -- Why I shouldn't answer the phone during Bowl Week.

I got this email from my friend Jay about a phone conversation I allegedly had with him last night:

I said, "Tell Sarah, 'Happy New Year'."
 
you:  [pause]
 
me:  "She's giving me the finger isn't she?"
 
you:  [long pause] "Okay.  I'll talk to you later then."