Live from Cantonment

Why not to like the South

#1:  They want our dog.  Badly.  Paco is getting more attention than Quin.  He’s basking in the glory of his pre-baby heyday.  The pit bull seems to be the poor man’s Harley Davidson.  

Here’s an actual conversation from an IHOP in Florence, SC:

Me:  Do you know those guys who are parked next to our car?

Waitress:  (staring out window)  Oh, yah, they’re good guys.  They work here.

Me:  But I think they want our dog.

Waitress:  (excited, like maybe a fiddle just kicked up)  Is that a PIT?!

Me:  No.  He’s a lover.

Waitress:  I bet they want your Pit!

Me:  Why does everybody want pit bulls?  Didn’t they see Michael Vick went to prison?

Waitress:  I have to lock my kennels so no one can steal mine.

Me:  You have pit bulls?

Waitress:  We raise ‘em.  (fiddles again)  We get 1000 bucks a pup.  

Sarah:  My tummy’s nervous.


#2:  There seems to be some issues with racism.  Out here in the badlands of Cantonment, FL, one very brave Indian fellow owns the sole gas station.  He was telling me how someone had broken into his video game and took the money.  A very large, white guy with Willie Nelson’s ponytail took a break from the game to yell, “I wonder what color they were!” across the convenience store.  

Raj quietly packed my groceries.  

He says people call him “Roger”.  


Why to Like the South

#1:  It’s pretty.  I don’t know why they don’t knock down their old barns and houses and businesses, but covered in weeds and exuding a rustic charm even the rotting buildings look good.  I wonder if they leave them up to try and fool people into thinking there’s more going on in Georgia than there really is.  What we’ve seen from highway 78 is God and poverty.  You’d think this many churches might be able to help out the situation.

#2:  They don’t give baby advice.  Everyone in Colorado is fresh off the latest baby book and brimming with infant knowledge.  In the South they’re more observational.  For example:

Colorado:  “If you whisper a Latin prayer to him he’s more likely to enjoy the yoga.”

Floribama:  “That baby is CRY-in’.”   or   “Ooooh, you got a baby!  Is that a Pit?”

Now this could be a Southern sneaky lesson wrapped in a passive-aggressive package (ie. "do something about the CRY-in'"), but it’s rife with opportunities for sarcastic responses.  “Our baby’s crying?  Oh, thank god, I thought we’d hit Mariah Carey.”

500 or so miles to Houston.